FINDING NEVERLAND

Peta' Pan......... The child who never grew up. The boy who's imagination allowed him to fly.

IMAGINATION. Creativity. Believing..........in fairies, in flight, in magic

I will never see Peter Pan the same. I now see that sweet, blue-eyed, face of Freddie Highmore. His pain and his struggle to BELIEVE in magic. How can a child believe in magic when he's experienced the death of his parent at such a young age.

I was 12 when my mother died of leukimia. I don't know when I stopped believing in MAGIC but it was definitely before my mother died. I stopped believing in Santa when I was 5, and at 12 I was already the practical, "grounded", person I am today! I didn't have James Barrie to challenge my beliefs. Or perhaps I did; my mom's best friend who became my second-mom, somehow allowed me to be a child like only a mother can. And that was not an easy task; I sure was stubborn just like Peter.

And yet, in my DREAMS, I flew. I've had the flying dreams since I can remember. (One of my all-time FAVORITE books is my PETER PAN book, it's a bit torn up now but still with me.)

In my dreams, I'm flapping my arms with all my strength to rise off the floor, if I was inside the house (just like Wendy, Peter, & John). But when I was outside I could fly with the wind. It's scary and exhilarating. See how HIGH I can go?! Oh...no, be careful of the telephone wires and the buildings. The wind can be so strong; you must navigate carefully. I've always loved my flying dreams. I haven't had one for awhile. Perhaps tonight!

Martin Luther King Day

I share my birthday with one of the most amazing men of all time. I LOVE that! As I was growing up I turned in many, many school reports on Martin Luther King Jr.

I was reading Marya's blog today and nodding my head and commenting out loud to myself (and to her) as I often do. http://emdot.blogspot.com/
She had a quote from Dr. King that I will add here as well:
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

I don't know how many others fantasize about Marching in protest against the horrific wars that our country has always and will continue to wage on the world, but I do.....................

The absurd behavior of the US govt since 9/11 continues to disgust me. The US govt/war machine is the worst kind of school yard bully.

My attempts, although seemingly worthy, to make the world a better place is too small and I know it. I vote and it's not enough. To my fellow Americans who voted for Bush, I don't know who the hell you are and believe you have all lost your mind.

Each day I do my best. I mean that. Somedays my best is very good but it's the best I can do on that particular day. I do unto others as I'd like them to do unto me.

A story:
Friday night, my son and I are in the bathtub. He says "you owe me". "Why?", I ask. "Mrs. D gave me 3 video's of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I gave one to Nic". I smile. I ask him why I owe him (but I already know the answer). He says, "I was nice to Nic and you like it when I'm nice". I laugh. "Yes", I tell him, "I LOVE it when you're nice". Then he says, "Mommy, you're always nice to people".

Teaching compassion to my son has been and will continue to be one of my main goals and challenges. He doesn't seem to have much empathy for others and does not connect with people the way I do. It disturbs me and frustrates me. But at that moment in the bathtub, I felt GLORIOUS and so accomplished!!!

="http://www.flickr.com/photos/heathers_shots/3819242/" title="photo sharing">

Santa's Coming

It's 1am on Xmas Day. I will go to bed soon but just finished playing Santa with my X. He goes crazy at Xmas and I decided to help him wrap the zillion presents for our son. My son usually sleeps in (and lets me sleep in even later) so I'm wondering how early we'll be rising.
I'm so relieved it's done; the shopping, the wrapping, the preparations. I'm a bit of scrooge, I must say. I don't like the massive spending and the months of talking about Xmas that surround me. It's ONE day for gawwwd's sake. However, the excuse to gather with family and friends and eat and take pictures is the part I LOVE.
My son and I went to the Merry-Go-Round at the Mission today and took our annual photo; a tradition that happened without thought the first few years but is now a concerted effort. My son has obliged and I'm grateful since I never know if he'll take pics with me or not. He's my "funny little guy" and has a very strong mind of his own. Speaking of....................I must drag myself to bed........................SANTA's COMING ya' know?!!

My DAD

My dad LOVES to dance. He was born in 1917 and has danced to every type of music. He taught ballroom dancing while he was getting his engineering degree at Stanford in the 40's. He took disco lessons with me in the 70's, and he danced throughout my whole wedding with Kurt and Leslie and I!!
My dad was 48 and my mom was 39 when I was born. He has always said I was the "afterthought". He's a HUGE character. He works fulltime, goes to the gym 3 nights a week, and gets all his food from the healthfood store. I call him "my rock" 'cause he's been my primary parent all my life (even before my mom passed away when I was 12). You can tell time by his schedule, animals love him, he doesn't say "I'm sorry" or "I love you" but if you need him, he's there. He's a gemini and has to be the best at everything. He's passive-aggressive and he drives us crazy and we love him.

Sisters

Sisters! I have two older sisters who are 7 and 11 yrs older than me. I'm THE BABY and for better or worse, I always will be! The pic above is of my oldest sister, Vikki, and I, and on this particular occassion someone asked me if we are twins. Although all three of us look a lot alike, Vikki definitely got the paternal genes and Joyous got the maternal genes. I think I'm a combination of both, but my body type is definitely the paternal side (which in this case means zoftic;-). We all got the curly, frizzy hair that both of parents were born with; it's ALL about the HAIR!
My sisters are probably my greatest gauge; the measure by which I judge myself. Of course there are many other people in my life who have acted as guides but none as internal. My youth was spent striving for moderation between the two of them (they're opposites in many ways). But as all who know me; know that I am an independent, unique individual. I was born "old" and I get younger every year!!!

It's ALL about the hair!! I have had a huge 'fro and it defines who I am. In Nov 2003 I used a straight iron for the first time and it truly changed my life! In Sept 2004 I had it professionally straightened and it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. This picture was taken on that momentous day in the salon.

FAVORITE MOVIES

My list of FAVORITE movies.......................

• Something's Gotta Give (we love Dianne Keaton in the nude.............WOMAN POWER, and I will confess right here and now that Keanu Reeves gets my juices flowing!!
• The Big Chill (a classic, comedic timing like no other)
• Far From Heaven (beautiful and bittersweet; just like life)
• A Home At The End Of The World (WOW)
  http://wip.warnerbros.com/index.html?site=ahome
• Banger Sisters (more WOMAN POWER, such a great ending)
• Moonlight Mile (speaking of Susan Sarandon, great little movie)
• Thelma & Louis (yet more WOMAN POWER, another classic)
• Bull Durham (long, slow, wet kisses that last............)
• so many others...............will post more later

MUST SEE:
We Don't Live Here Anymore
http://wip.warnerbros.com/wedontlive/
The Door in the Floor
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/door_in_the_floor/trailers.php
Facing Windows
Maria Full of Grace
America's Heart and Soul
Terminal
Shall We Dance

Searching

Searching for ways to express myself. Searching for something to do................ways to use this blog. Wishing I knew how to create an awesome space for my ramblings. I read Marya's blog and I want that; except not Marya's but mine. I won't have poetry but maybe a great quote. And links of course. How fun to write incomplete sentences. There won't be a grade on this paper.
I love movies. Movies and TV are my greatest source of escape. And not escape in the bad way people perceive it but joy and emotion and comfort and peace. Books are my meditation and my sleeping pills.
I saw the movie Closer tonight with Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Jude Law, & Clive Owen. AWESOME movie. I sat nestled in my seat transfixed, transported. My heart was heavy but an emotional depth that feels good! Lust and falling in love are fleeting; they come and go.
Another movie I saw recently that touched me deeply was A Home at the End of the World with Colin Farrell, Robin Wright-Penn, and Sissy Spacek. AMAZING movie. Colin's character was the vulnerable and strong and sweet and lovable. Now I see why people find Colin so attractive. His character did that for me.
There are many many movies that have touched me deeply but I can never remember them. Now I will write about them here so I can remember......................those feelings.

Beginnings

My first entry! Not sure what I want to say yet. ..............................

I have a box full of diaries from my younger days. This will be a great new way to keep a diary; although so different since I'll invite others to read it. Mmmm.............I always kept a diary private. My sister, Joyous, has encouraged me to write for years so I may just have to try my hand at a short story.

For now I'll tell write about where I am physically, emotionally, intellectually...................
I'm in my garage. It's my smoking room. I have a couch littered with magazines and only a small space for sitting. I'm surrounded by boxes, bikes, ladder, Kurt's tools, broken lamps, small tv but no cable, grocery bags full of Gatorade, humming water softener, garbage cans, stand-alone basketball hoop, Sy's drum set in pieces mostly, my x-roommate's stuff, a massage table being used as a shelf, and lots of other stuff I've thrown in here.

Wayne's asleep so this is my quiet time, my "me" time. I stay up late just so I can have this time. I'm counting down the weeks until I'm 40 years old. It's a big milestone to me. Every year is better; like a fine wine. I become more comfortable in my skin. My child has given me the gift of living in the present. I struggled, meditated, and tried to learn how to do that for most of my teens and 20's.

I am a typical Capricorn, although I would never have admitted that in my youth. I started out as a old person and become more child-like every year. I know less every year and what a relief it is.
Well it appears that I had SOMETHING to say...........................and there's so much more.