Friday, August 12, 2005



OK. I am especially glad it's Friday night. Focusing and concentrating are no longer possible verbs in my vocabulary.

I cried A LOT this week. Here's my week in review:

Mon: watched the SERIES FINALE of Queer as Folk (QAF) .
I cried and cried. It was so sad to say goodbye to 5 years of relationships with these characters. And of course they had a special interview session with the actors and THEY were crying. To tell you the truth I was not happy with the ending of Brian and Justin. Brian had "grown a heart" just 2 episodes earlier and after all that he was left alone. How sad is that??!!
5 years! That's a long time. I watched almost EVERY episode in real time (or at least TiVo'd). QAF started at the same time I got divorced. The last 5 years has been mostly a solitary journey and QAF was a part of that journey.

Tues: watched what I thought was the SERIES FINALE of Six Feet Under. One of the main characters dies and much crying ensued. Thanks Clay for getting my hooked on this amazing show, and thanks for letting me know there are 2 more episodes. Whew..........

Wed: late night IM with Clay. For no reason in particular, our common walk down memory turned suddenly into a sad journey for me. Lost LOVE. FIRST LOVE. YOUNG LOVE. Can never be rerun. There is no "special DVD box set". And even if there was, it'll never be like the first time. That heavenly feeling of blinding passion. And while my heavily grounded common sense personality look a vacation, I walked along a lonely road. Looking back. Looking forward to a landscape with no fireworks, no heavenly light. Where is it? Where is he? How will I find him? And although I spent the next day working and laughing and smiling, I continued to walk with a heavy heart.

It's midnight on Friday night now (just "purned into a tumpkin"). For the most part, I've regained my senses. I wouldn't want to go back to being 18 or any other age because I like being 40. And I like being single. I just want that blinding passion. Once and awhile. Just that. But not all the other crap that comes with relationships. And sometimes I must mourn the loss of my first love, and although not comparable in scale, I will mourn the loss of ground-breaking shows like QAF and SFU.

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like i do
And i blame you

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

The Who

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